Fiasco Finale

I have Doobster‘s comment yesterday to thank for inspiring the beginning of this follow-up post – THANKS DOOBSTER!

When we left our heroine she was struggling not to scream bloody murder…

… the hose came in contact with the foot rail and of course since it was only “crammed in” it of course made a leap of freedom – and began fountaining all over my carpet.

Cue the melodramatic theme music.

I made a grab for the hose, like I could magically keep it from flooding more of my bedroom while Junior hollered out to JD to turn off the water.  Seconds later the deluge ended and we started soaking up what we could with our supply of ShamWow!s.  (Yeah, I know that spelling looks weird but you have to see the website to fully understand that it is probably accurate.  The ! is part of the trademark name so to insert the “s” between the word and the exclamation point, while grammatically correct, degrades their trademark.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)  Digression aside, ShamWow!s work pretty well at soaking up water once they’re wet themselves.  The first round wasn’t very effective but by the time I’d wrung them out and reapplied we were having more success.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I’d plugged the hole in the waterbed and screwed on the cap so we weren’t in danger of re-flooding from that source.  Now came figuring out a fix.  Jack (you remember him right dear reader?) figured we could just slide the platform toward the foot of the bed.  “We” being the guys of course because as we all know I’d already tried scooting the mattress up without any luck.  No surprise they didn’t fare any better.  Besides the fact that water weighs a ton, the oh-so-clever Jack had forgotten he’d screwed the platform down just moments before.  Bright boy, that Jack.

So where did that leave us?  If you guessed that we had to remove the semi-full mattress and take apart the bed frame then you would be exactly correct!  Sorry, there is no prize.

The men hauled the mattress out and slid it aside into the vanity area off the master bedroom.  Then came the grunting, groaning and screeching screwdriver as Jack unscrewed screws and re-positioned the platform while JD and Junior assisted with the headboard and side rails.  Soon the last screw had been reapplied and they were ready to re-install the mattress.  Success!

Um, not so much.

With the waterbed mattress in place it was immediately clear there was a problem.  The mattress didn’t billow out to fill in the corners of the frame as it should have.  Instead there was a humongous mound in the middle of the bed.

Apparently some waterbeds shouldn’t be moved when they’re full:

In the case of waveless or semi-waveless bladders, a tethering system is recommended beneath the bladder to keep fibers from bunching in one place.

Something tells me our waterbed doesn’t have “a tethering system”.  Sigh.  It was amusing to watch grown men trying to mash the gargantuan lump flat, so there’s that.

Finally, they gave up and we decided the wisest course was to drain the mattress and try to flatten it out once it was empty again.  Of course that raised the issue of no adaptor and how we were going to do that without recreating the Great Flood (sans animal pairs).  JD dismissed Jack and Junior saying we would take it from there, and they sped off before we could call them back.  We then let our fingers do the walking and called everywhere we could think of to find an adaptor so we could use our hose to drain the mattress.  No one had anything that would work.  Oh sure, there were plenty of waterbed drain/fill kits – online!  Dammit Jim!

We were left with one option, haul the stupid mattress out of the frame, through the house and onto the front porch where we could open up the drain and let it rip.  Figuratively speaking.  So JD got busy; I can’t say I was much help.  When it comes to upper body strength I’m a lot like cooked linguine.

Now that the mattress was happily spilling its guts onto the ground via our deck we addressed the reassembly of the bed using our standard box springs and king size latex mattress.  It had been our original plan so we weren’t too disappointed.  That is until we discovered the one question none of us had thought to ask.  Geez.

Turns out no matter how hard you try you cannot fit an Eastern king size bed into the frame for a California king size bed.  Fuck.  FUCK!  FUCK!

Sorry, sorry.  No.  No, I’m not.  There is no other word to describe how I felt at that point.

JD flopped down on our old mattress where it lay in our living room and I found a seat and fought back tears of frustration.  We remained like that a while, then JD went out to the shed to retrieve his own cordless drill so he could start taking apart the bed frame.  At least we could use the platform part and get our mattress up off the floor.  We’ll store the headboard and side rails until we either fix the waterbed mattress or replace it.

And the cherry on the sundae?  Wouldn’t you know the battery on JD’s cordless drill was dead?


The Great Waterbed Fiasco

Oh sure, it’s funny now, but Saturday afternoon I was in tears and not from laughter.

A few weeks back my friend — how about we call her Patty — told me she was going to have to give up her bedroom set.  Now you have to understand that Patty has had this bedroom set since before her daughter was born – probably more than 30 years!  But she has COPD and other health maladies which have contributed to make breathing difficult.  Lying down, breathing is nearly impossible so she started sleeping in a recliner in her living room leaving her waterbed to gather discarded clothes, dust bunnies from hell and cat hair.  She needs it gone so she can move in a standard bed and sleep there using a bean bag chair to keep her elevated.  I thought this was an ingenious idea and I hope it works.

Well JD and I discussed it and decided that if nothing else, her waterbed frame would be strong enough to support our latex mattress since its frame bought the farm a few months back.  Latex mattresses are hella-heavy y’all, but pretty comfy most of the time.  We offered to buy her 30+ year old bedroom set and she sold it to us for $50!  Plus her friend and his son were going to deliver it; the faster to get it out of their way don’t you know?

Saturday we made the drive over to her place to pay her and pick up a couple of things that wouldn’t fit in her truck with the camper shell on.  Then we led the way back to our place, Patty’s friend playing leap frog with us in traffic.  That man definitely has control issues.  Too bad that control doesn’t extend to attention to detail!

Sorry, sorry {in with the good air … out with the bad, repeat}

We arrived at our house and the men started unloading furniture, a LOT of furniture.  All the parts to the waterbed – six drawers that made up the base, foot rail and side boards plus a huge mirrored and lighted headboard; a dresser with a matching mirrored, lighted …hmm, hutch isn’t quite right, but suffice it to say it was big and heavy; and finally the armoire.  Plus there was the waterbed mattress – which we’d decided to try out when we heard it was still somewhat new.  To get a good idea of how my living room looked you have to remember I live in a manufactured home.  Sure, it’s a double wide but it already had a full complement of furniture in it.  Yeah, it was a tad crowded.  As in the Grand Canyon is a tad deep.

Patty’s friend – I guess I can’t keep calling him that can I?  Let’s call him Jack, as in JackAss.  So Jack sets about assembling the waterbed frame with JD and Jack’s son providing the brute force to lift things and hold them in place while Jack directs them and clicks the trigger on his cordless drill.  To be fair, he started the assembly while JD and Junior were still unloading the trucks so he did a fair amount of hauling things into place himself before they were able to assist.

I didn’t watch the time so I have no idea how long it took, but there were a LOT of parts to this bed frame and they had to go together just so.  Once it was together and all the screws were tightened a la the cordless drill we were ready to position the waterbed mattress, which the guys did.  JD hauled our hose out of the shed, dragged it in the back door, through the kitchen and dining room and snaked it into the bedroom where Jack crammed (technical term) it into the appropriate opening.  We didn’t have an adaptor so someone was going to have to watch to be sure it didn’t become disengaged.  That wasn’t enough of a red flag apparently because a few minutes later Jack and Junior started packing up and getting ready to leave.  I watched the mattress filling for a while, fascinated as it began to bulge at the bottom and started sliding down between the platform and the bottom rail.  While I have never put together a waterbed in my life, even to my unschooled eye that gap had looked wonky.  But hell’s bells, Jack had just taken apart the blasted thing, he should know how to assemble it shouldn’t he?


Idiot that I am, I tried to yank the mess up toward the headboard.  Yeah, I hear you laughing; I did say “idiot” didn’t I?  Pick yourself up off the floor, there’s more.  The bulging vinyl (or whatever they’re made of) kept growing and while I was tugging at the top to no avail, the hose came into contact with the foot rail and since it was only “crammed in” of course it made a leap for freedom – and began fountaining all over my carpet.

This was only the beginning of the end dear readers.  Part two of my tragic saga to follow.