What’s the point?

Is it wrong that I wanted the elevator to get stuck between floors today? With me on it? Indefinitely?

Today hasn’t been my best day. I don’t expect tomorrow to be stellar either. There’s a tiny part of me that keeps asking that question up there – what’s the frakkin’ point? Why do I bother trying to be positive and upbeat? Why do I keep getting up every morning? Especially in the face of all the negativity I’m surrounded by?

Okay, “surrounded” is a bit much. At least at work it’s only periodic pessimism I’m pestered with. And it’s often based on the idiocy of a new and improved procedure designed by the Powers That Be; so at least I can understand it. I’m periodically a pessimistic pesterer myself.

It’s home that’s overwhelming me at the moment. We’ve always struggled with money; I take some of the blame for that because if I were stronger I’d tell JD to get a job, even if it’s greeting people at Wal-Mart. That would serve two purposes: add to our income and get him out among everyday people on a regular basis. Maybe … just maybe if he was exposed to other people it would sink in that his problems aren’t so bad.

Nah, I can’t really see that happening. He knows he isn’t the only person with problems. It’s just that his are the worst problems IN. THE. WORLD!

Today I had to cancel our campground reservations for next week. Between replacing the water heater, ending a dog’s pain and suffering, engine work on our truck and making the final payment to the bankruptcy lawyer there just isn’t enough fundage to cover a trip. (What? Fundage is so a word. Trust me.)

We could squeeze out enough for the fuel for the round trip and the 4 nights at the campground. But that would leave us still having to eat between now and the first paycheck in August – more than 3 weeks away. Not to mention keeping the vehicles gassed up for around town errands, etc. And that doesn’t include any cushion for emergencies. Which, knowing our year would be extremely foolish.

It isn’t that I really, really wanted to go camping. Hell, it’s going to be in the 90s where we were going! I don’t enjoy the heat despite being born and at least partially raised in Southern California. My disappointment about missing this trip is that we were going to meet my younger brother and his girlfriend there. I haven’t seen my younger brother in well over a year and I’ve never met his girlfriend.

In addition, I can’t remember the last time I had a genuine vacation. Seriously. Any time I take off from work we usually spend some of it with JD’s family – including just regular old weekends. The rest of the time is taking care of chores around home. Oh, I beg your pardon … JD would point out that I got to go away for a long weekend in March when I went with one of our daughters to a comic book convention. “Away” for a long weekend was 2 whole days about an hour from home. And he could have joined us; he was invited after all.

Geez, I hate whining. It doesn’t solve anything and I don’t feel better afterward.

I’m going to shut up now and get back to work.