Over the past few months I’ve received multiple letters (YES, real letters from the postal service and everything!) from something called The Secret Society. Under threat of … um, I’m not sure exactly what … I am not to reveal to anyone that they have contacted me.
Well, their latest communication was the last straw and I’m forced to out them here on my blog for better or worse.
The communications started off by inviting me to join the Society because I’m special. Well of course I’m special! Just like everyone else. But hell, it was free to find out all about the Society, its members and how I too can be wealthy and successful! I was bored so I sent in my reply just for giggles*. Yeah, it’s not so funny now.
Surprise! The Society lies. What was supposed to be free, will actually run about $140. That amount will ensure I am accepted into their ranks and rush deliver my 1200 page book filled with all the knowledge I’ll need to become rich, powerful and successful.
I ignored the first several attempts they made to collect, figuring they’d give up sooner or later. It can’t be cheap to continue sending these letters. Even if I am the only candidate they’re contacting! Okay, I made up that part.
This most recent missive was signed by “John, Inner-Circle Member” and enclosed a personal letter for me from my new mentor – “A famous, Anonymous Celebrity”! How could I ignore this? Especially since their previous letter stated quite clearly that if I didn’t send payment by (whatever date it was they arbitrarily noted) they would have to go on to their next candidate. Sweet! Just as I thought, they would give up.
Did I mention they lie?
Check out this opening sentence from John’s letter: “When you sent in your invitation form and received your Orientation Package a few weeks ago, the Leading Members of the Secret Society began power-thinking your future.” Wow! The Leading Members huh? John goes on: “I am now going to tell you the Leading Members’ power-thinking revelations about you, Janey! It turns out you’re going to be more special than any of us imagined!” Aw shucks, this is just embarrassing. But he isn’t done yet: “You are one of those rare individuals hiding an explosive potential.” Well yes, but JD told me not to tell anyone about that particular talent.
My mentor’s letter includes this sentence: “I am writing this letter to you under an assumed name. If I told you who I was, you would instantly recognize me.” Yeah, and? I presume that was supposed to impress me. So. Not. Impressed. Apparently “Anonymous” is also on television “virtually every day”. Well, the joke’s on him since I watch no television, virtually or otherwise. (I do watch some online programming but network television gives me hives).
Again there is a deadline by which I need to send in my money. They also advise that I “need this other package within the next three weeks” to take my “everlasting step into permanent high-living.” I have until this Friday to shell out the bucks. Once more they caution me that after September 19 it is too late, and “tragically” I will lose my lifetime place in the Secret Society.
Puhleeze let it be too late! Oh please John, please remove me from your effing list. I promise not to waste your time just for giggles ever again. See what I mean? Karma is a stone cold bitch.
*This is my “grandkid-safe” version of a saying my grandmother used to use: “for shits and grins”. If anyone out there has heard that or knows where it might have originated it would be lovely to have that bit of trivia conveyed. And if you’re falling down laughing because I’ve remembered it incorrectly — take video. 😀