I’m HOW old?

Today’s Daily Post prompt asked us to write about age – I won’t duplicate the post here, you can check it out yourself if you’re interested here.

I read a few of the posts in response to the prompt and enjoyed those perspectives, but none of them really said what I was thinking, what I guess I’ve been thinking about age for some time.

It isn’t that I dwell on age, I don’t.  Certain ages I have been stand out in my memory but overall I just go through each day, trying to focus on the present.  I remember 35 being a particularly bad year.  I was still mired in a disintegrating marriage and couldn’t see any way out.  But I survived that.  Hell, I survived much worse.  Forty was probably one of my best years – I’d lost a lot of weight, was the smallest I’d ever been as an adult and I was single again.  I was solely responsible for my happiness and it was glorious!

So when I really think about it at all it’s to ask myself, “Why don’t I feel older?”  Seriously.  For example, I’ll be 58 this year, but whenever I’m faced with making a decision that’s harder than what to have for dinner or what to wear to work, I feel like I’m in high school trying to decide my life’s course.  When I was a kid I was SURE that when I grew up I’d know what to do, where to go, what choices to make, how to live.  Forty some odd years later I’m still waiting for that certainty.

Sure, I understand some things better as an adult than the child did, but I still don’t have a lot of trust in all my decisions.  And some of them have been so very bad!  The consequences of those poor choices have chipped away at my self-confidence.  The ripples affect all aspects of my life.  Do I throw my hat in for the lead secretary position?  Or will I just screw that up?  Should I update my resume and look for a better job?  Maybe I should go back to school.

I know most people face these types of choices.  Do they also feel like they’re still little kids, pretending to be grown-ups?

Or is that just me?

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9 thoughts on “I’m HOW old?

  1. I’m not sure if we ever totally ‘grow up’ and honestly, do we really want to?I identify with your sentiments. This time of life can be challenging, but, then, all of the stages of life are a challenge, especially in making good choices. I read an intriguing book title that has sparked my own thinking about choices at this time of life. It was: What to do you want to DO with your life( instead of what do you want to be).

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  2. Pingback: It's Mayur Remember?

  3. Pingback: Age is | It's Mayur Remember?

  4. It’s not just you. I too have made some pretty bad choices along the way, and I’ve matured and grown more confident in my decision-making skills, but sometimes I still have that nagging feeling that someone may come along any minute and call me out as the impostor I am!

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