I try really hard not to be a whiner, my last post notwithstanding.
Recently, I’ve been considering whether I should contact the Employee Assistance Program. If that terminology is unfamiliar to you just substitute “shrink”. Okay, so that’s an overstatement. The EAPs provided by employers help with all sorts of needs. They can help you address stress in all its forms (did you know there is bad AND good stress?). The programs can direct you to resources to help with grief, anger management, job change, etc.
So after my last post/venting, every time I pass the fridge in the kitchen on our floor and see the poster there for the EAP, I wonder whether it would be a good idea.
Then I realize that I probably wouldn’t be as honest as necessary with my counselor or whatever. Not because I’m dishonest, but because I don’t always know the truth myself. Why do I repeat mistakes from the past? Is there a part of me that wants to feel lousy or out of control? Can I end the cycle, and if ending it will hurt people I love, should I?
Truthfully, there are times when I would rather it was Monday than Friday. Friday means I have to go home and spend two whole days with JD. Now don’t get me wrong – this is my partner, my love and I CHOSE to be with him. Not every weekend is bad either. But seventeen years of negativity can wear on you. Well, probably not seventeen whole years – I’d like to hope that if he had been this dark when we first met and were dating that I would have bailed in a heartbeat.
Even then I knew I needed more positive people in my life and when we met he didn’t seem so mired in sadness and self-pity. There was a lot more fun involved in our courtship than I remember having with anyone else. This is the man who dipped me in the buffet line at the casino after all – to much applause and laughter.
I’m all for having a pity party – sometimes you just need to wallow in whatever is ailing you. Down a few chocolate chip cookies followed by an ice-cold milk chaser … indulge yourself. But there usually has to be some reason for me to wallow. For example: an event more recent than 20 some odd years ago.
How do people hang on to crap and let it drag them down for decades? WHY?
So your parents treated you and your sister differently – geez, join the club. Oh, you were constantly warned that because of your size you might hurt someone, so you can’t fight back. Not to mention being told (or having your parents told, I can’t remember which) that if you defend your sister from bullies you’ll be prosecuted as an adult. Yeah, standing over 6 feet tall at 13 ain’t no picnic. Gee, sorry about that. And let’s not forget that your first wife split in the middle of the night, right?
Not only did she split while you were at work, she took the children, all the new furniture and appliances AND she ran up the credit cards before she left. And that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Don’t get me wrong, I can and have empathized with JD; I know his life sucked on occasion. But life sucks for everyone now and then, doesn’t it? Hell, I was sexually molested by my freakin’ grandfather! I think that trumps the unequal parental treatment at the very least. But I do not dwell on that. Honestly, the only time I think about it now is when my brain rebels against hearing JD’s “poor mes” for the umpteenth time and my inner bitch whines about trading places.
So? What say you Dear Reader? Should I consult a counselor? Confide in a shrink? Bare my soul to a prognosticator? Beat my head against a wall?
Disclaimer: The author makes no promise to follow any advice provided, though she will consider all suggestions.